?

Log in

☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
05 August 2009 @ 04:08 am
MOVING JOURNALS TO START NEW AFTER 7 YEARS.
ADD ME @ rottingqueen ! ! !
 
 
☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
15 July 2009 @ 08:29 am
So don't you rescue me
I'm blocked in the black of my mind
(Help me please)
So don't get stuck on me
My fuck-up is keepin' me blind
(Save me please)

Tossin' and turnin'
You know `bout this yearnin'
This feeling you've locked deep inside

So swallow your frown - my love
And follow me down - my love
So swallow your frown - my love
And follow me down - my love

So don't you rescue me
I still feel the thorn in my side
(Help me please)
So don't you set me free
No chance for a turn of the tide
(Save me please)

Tossin' and turnin'
You know `bout this burnin'
This fever you cannot deny

So swallow your frown - my love
And follow me down - my love
So swallow your frown - my love
And follow me down - my love

Follow me down
Down
 
 
☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
24 June 2009 @ 09:47 pm
My days feel foreign. I'm usually drained - either from not sleeping due to my insomnia, or from the medication I might take to force myself to sleep. I wake up and I am unsure what it is I want to do - do I want to bother trying today? Mostly I force myself to get bits and bobs of work done just to keep enough income coming to get by. . .which is very little.

I have Nikki - most would recall her as Kassper. After the situation with Emil, I just stopped wanting to hold any grudges. Hating someone, even to just dislike someone, takes far too much of m energy. And what good does it do?. . .So when she went threw someone I know to drop me a message, including her number, I gave her a call. What do I find? Someone I should have had in my life a lot longer. We get along very well - perfectly really. We spent hours on the phone the first two days, and then I had her over. We spent days together between my place and hers. When we parted for only a day/night? We missed each other. I forgot how that was with friends.

Nikki will be staying with me most of the time, and for a good while as my mother is off in N.Y. again. She wants to move out of her apartment and get away from her boyfriend - but is not too thrilled with having to go home to her parents. Well, not true. She is just not thrilled to go back with her mother there. So it is easier on her to be here with me. Besides, I think she is keeping me sane by being here.

It's sad that I miss him, after all the wrong he did to me. Really, I miss the same 'him' I missed when I was with him though. The boy I had at the start of it all. . .God did I love him. I still do. I just wish he was able to be who I thought he could and would be. I thought we were right for each other. No real point to love though I guess.
 
 
☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
17 June 2009 @ 11:43 am
I have loved you since I was 14-years-old. Since the first time we spoke.
I gave pure trust to you - though you never did a thing to earn it.
I believed in you - seeing a better person inside then you were living life as.
Seeing a strong, perfect boy in that heart of yours you abuse so badly.
I would never see you as you are now as being 'it' or the best you would be.
And that is what everyone left in your life will do. Accept what is and not what could.
I wanted to be the one to save you from the man you were becoming. . .
But when people are fueling the bad it is hard to bring it to a stop.

If you were to tell me you planned to jump - I would not follow you, no.
I would be the wall to block it from happening - stopping you from the mistake.
If you were to trip up and begin a fall - I would be the arm to catch yours.
I would have been the one to pull you up to your feet and dust you off.
All of the horror and Hell you put me through, I still would be more for you. . .

When you swore to never hurt me, to never leave me. . .
I defended it. No matter what others said of you.
I would place your morale high - your love for me high.
That your vows to me were too strong to be broken. . .
That you were a man of your word and would live up.
And you turned around and lied. . .and lied. . .and lied.
You cheated on me! You were unloyal to the worst degree.
You abused my trust an my forgivness time and time again.
You came to bed beside me and it was like you never did me wrong.

And I was evil? I was cruel? I was the Devil here?
Who was it that could not look the other in the eyes?
I never wronged you! I never lied to you. I never was unloyal.
I never left for hours not telling you where I was or who with.
I did not make up fake reason to be late, or leave early.
And knowing you were treating me poorly. . .
I had nothing but open arms for you when you came home.
I still gave nothing but all my love to you even when your back was to me.

And. . .I kept believe you were better then all this. It would pass.
You would live up to the boy I thought you were and you made yourself out to be.
You would live up to the promises you made me and the things I wanted.

And you destroyed it all. . .everything I saw in you. You tore it down. . .
Every promise broken. Every vow turned on. Every dream dashed.
You would never live up to any of the things I knew were there.
And not because you can not - but because you will not.
You are so consumed, yet so incontent, with a deeper greed.
And you make yourself believe it is something greater. . .
You make yourself believe you are doing it for the good of others.
And all it is, is selfish.

How could you? How could you break my heart?
How could you replace me a night later?
Bring her into the place that was our home,
put her in my place in that bed?
How can you sleep easy at night. . .?
How can you turn over, find I am not there,
and be OK with it?

And are you happy that now I can not sleep at night?
That I toss and turn, and have only nightmares?
That I have to pop sleeping pills to get any rest?
That I no longer believe in love?
That I no longer believe in people?

Is it OK with you that I can't know what was truth,
or what was lies. If not to her, then to me.
Or if not to me then to yourself. . .
Or to all of us who knows!?
That I sit around all day confused.
Wondering why you won't love me how you told me you would.
Wondering why you treat me this way now for her?
Blocking me and deleting me from your life -
though no matter what you did to me I never had.

I was not bad. I was not a bad girlfriend. Not a bad person.
So I did not clean or cook wonderful -
that is no reason to put me through what I have been put through.
I gave everything else 100% if not more. . .

So why am I the one hurting?
 
 
Current Mood: numbnumb
 
 
☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
12 May 2008 @ 04:50 pm
Whose footstep is this? Whose shadow is this? There was a knock at my heart; who entered here?

Who spread this vibrant color over me? My happiness killed me. . .It killed me. . .

Who spread this vibrant color over me? My happiness killed me. . .It killed me. . .God, it killed me. . .

The moon did not decorate my palm, nor did I contract any relationship with the stars. Nor did I make any complaint of God. . .

I hid every sorrow; with laughter I bore each injustice. I even embraced thorns, and was wounded by flowers.

Yes, but when I raised my hands in prayer, I begged God for you! God, I begged for you!

Who spread this vibrant color over me? My happiness killed me. . .It killed me. . .God, it killed me. . .killed me. . .

Whose footstep is this? Whose shadow is this? There was a knock at my heart; who entered here?
 
 
 
☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
19 April 2008 @ 03:32 am
Him: Why stay with someone messed up?
Me: Because weather or not he is all that there in the head - he is who I love.
Me: And that doesn't change because he has a few messed up views.
 
 
☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
14 April 2008 @ 02:44 pm
Starting - if for any reason you feel like you look like a 'horrible person' via the information in my posts? That is your own fault. Nothing I have ever written has been anything less then true events on your part. So if you are reading it, stop, and think: "Wow that makes me look really bad." - - - then maybe you need to stop acting how you act, and doing what you do. Unlike you, I have NEVER lied in this relationship. I have never lied at all to you, ever. Not since the first time I said 'Hello' to you on AIM. Yet you find it in you to lie to me daily - even over menial things, that make no sense for you to lie about at all. And what do you think it is for? Do you think the lie is better then the truth? That is would hurt less? Wrong. The very idea you can lie at ALL to me, is pitiful. Because I gave you trust that you obviously never have deserved from me. Since it seems, even before we were a couple - you have been lying left and right to me. [ And do not pull that: "IT SAYS ON MY PROFILE I AM A LIAR!!" crap. You with your OWN mouth swore to me you would NEVER do that to me. And I believe what I hear from you not what I read. And you always knew that. ]

You think I am in some fairytale? That I am not seeing a real world? I think you are looking at yourself in the mirror! Obviously only you see things how you see them. No one else. That means you are the odd man out, not me. Reality would call for you to be a man, and live up to your promises and vows. The hundreds you have spilled at my feet for the past year. You would see that you are DAMN lucky to have your job, your pet, your apartment, and a girlfriend who obviously is desperately in love with you - though you do NOT even deserve that of her, even. Let alone her willingness to let things go, and her ability to move on from it and try again the following day to be good to you. Reality would call for you to know that ONLY YOU can make you happy. No animal, no friend, no lover. You. Just you. And if you really have the time to blame others, you are not trying very hard to be happy. So don't be surprised when I find it funny or stupid that you would try to say that "I CAN'T KEEP YOU HAPPY".

I am ALWAYS asking you how you are. I ALWAYS beg you to tell me what is going on in your head. I ALWAYS ask you what you would like me to do to try and help you. I ALWAYS ask you to explain things a bit so I can TRY to understand where your mind is going. I ALWAYS try to comfort your hurt. . .I have never stopped being the same person you fell in love with. Not once, not for a minute.

I do NOT 'cry like a spoiled brat' when you are not loving. I cry like a girl watching her love turn into pain. I only ever speak up when it has been a whole week, two weeks, even a month of you acting like a dick. When I do not deserve that - from your own mouth many times, I never deserve that. It is not in any way, shape, or form SELFISH for me to want to be loved the same way you had loved me when we started to date. That person was a perfect creature. He had strength and confidence, he had a true happiness in him that you let die because you think you have to be some hard nasty 'tyrant'. Love is not a SELFISH thing because it yearns for love in return. That is the nature of the human condition. Love and be loved, we all hope for it.

I love you freely. Openly. Even when I have anger in me towards something, or someone, or even towards you - I never stop showing that I love you. Even when I want to just die, or at least kill you - I still overcome it with my love for you. Because no matter how angry you make me it does not stop my love. No matter how you try to make me hate you - because I know that a lot of the time you are hoping to run me off - I still love you, and still let that be what I go to bed with. The reality that I love no one else, no other thing on this planet, the way that I love you. The same way I loved you when you smiled for the first time before my eyes. The same way I loved you when you first shyly hugged me. The same way I loved you when you first managed the nerve to lay beside me. The same way I loved you, adored you, worshiped you when your lips finally touched mine. The same way I still loved you last night when I went to sleep, and the same way I still loved you when I woke up today.

You are proud? What a lie to top all lies. You yourself pull out the: "I have to lie to myself!" card. And what drama do you live that is not YOUR OWN? Jesus fucking Christ, ALL of it is yours! AGAIN - you have a wonderful dog, you have a fantastic job that thousands of people would kill to have, you have a great apartment filled with awesome things. You have money on hand to spend as you please. You have a best friend who is always there. You have the ability to write and sing and produce art. You have family who adores you, weather or not you hate them like you say you do or not. And then you have me. Someone who, again, adores you and only you - loves you and only you - would never hurt you like others have in the past. But YOU choose to see any little speck of bad in it, and pull out your friggen binoculars. You adjust your sight onto that speck and only that speck, and destroy all the good around it. When you KNOW there is no such thing as perfection. The world does not give perfection. It gives you what you need, and ONLY what you need in life to survive.

No one will ever know your anguish? Your 'constant emotional clash'? Well isn't that calling the black raven white? Because, it seems a lot like you have no ability to understand anyone else - either. And wow! Look at that. Part of reality that you seem to not be noticing.

And what do I NOT have? Obviously innocence still floods me because I have had faith in you and in love - though no one else did, and everyone warned me against this. I still took you in my arms, and comforted your needs. I have taken the one horrible thing in my past - the rape of my body - and lived on. I do not dwell, or cut myself up, or ask anyone to pity me. I do not let it control the fact that - I learned from that mistake. It has never happened again it never will. It did not stop me from learning to be happy, by my own hands no one else's. All on my own, happy. There is nothing wrong with being social and knowing a lot of people, or having more then one good friend. There is nothing wrong with dressing up like I do, and going to dance to music at some club. There is nothing wrong with me driving around Miami with Ary in her car, stopping at the mall and shopping a bit. Or stopping somewhere to grab a bite, and a little conversation, then go home. But that is what you are stopping me from.

And what the hell. . .Why? Does having that kind of control mean there is less chance I will hurt you? WITHOUT controlling me there is no chance I will do something to hurt you. WITHOUT controlling me we WOULD be happier. Because I would get out and let steam off a little, not wait all day for you and then LEECH off you like a parasite. You would get the privacy and space you want from me - and I would get the social relief I need. And then we would be home together in good moods more willing to love each other like we once did and like we should.

STOP trying to be a demon. STOP trying to hide the fact you are a human in love, who is having issues dealing with the hard parts of life. BE the wonderful person I know you to be. BE the great artist and lover I know you to be. BE the Godly, perfect creature you are meant to be. . .
 
 
☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
13 April 2008 @ 02:20 am
Me: "I'm always all alone. . .He's all I have. And I don't even have him anymore."
Her: "You aren't alone. You have friends and family."
Me: "They could never fill the gap in my heart created by the love I have for him."
Her: "But he can't fill that gap either. . ."
Me: "He can. He used to. He did. . .He just won't anymore. I'm not worth that much time. . ."
 
 
☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
09 April 2008 @ 01:26 am


A lil older. Strife [our Husky] is meant to be getting a bath. He is not easy to get in the bathroom. Emil tries to LURe him with his rival, the Feather Duster. . .
 
 
☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
29 February 2008 @ 08:57 pm
Ego; The mistaken notion of "I", a separate self, from which all confusion and suffering arises.
Jealousy; Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival.

Everyone is telling you - that the cause of your suffering is in your jealous ego.
Only you see it otherwise. Only you deny that to be cause.

Family. Friends. People who barely know who you are.
They all say the same thing...
Even the love in your heart tells you to give both up.

There is no rival. There is only a you, and a me.
There is nothing alive or otherwise that could change that but us.

If anything is a rival to this relationship -
It is the jealous ego you cling to as 'who you are'.

There is true, pure, illimitable, unfathomable, incalculable love within me.
It has always been there, and it always will stay there. And only ever for you.

I give away myself. I give away my dreams. I give away my heart and soul.
But only for you, but only for us. Not for anything less or more then that.

True love will always forgive. But only when you allow it to.
I allowed it to let go of vindictiveness when you first put your arms around me.
That same love will release all memories of pain again, for you, if you ask it.

Look to my eyes and my tears, and know that they are only able to raise to you.
Place a hand to my chest - feel my heart, and know that it only lives for you.
Kiss my lips and sense the radiating zeal that can only come about from and for you.
See that, sense that, know that this soul will only ever belong to you - dead or alive.

The greatest of all love stories begin in tragedy.
But end with the most sublime, rapture filled lifetime for two.

Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves.
I give up on pride. I have no need for it in love.
I no longer will be the bearer, the creator of sorrow.
Let it go. Let it go as I have for you.

"You said I killed you - haunt me, then!
The murdered do haunt their murderers, I believe.
I know that ghosts have wandered on earth.
Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad!
Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you!
"