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☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™
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[June 24, 2009 @ 9:47pm] |
My days feel foreign. I'm usually drained - either from not sleeping due to my insomnia, or from the medication I might take to force myself to sleep. I wake up and I am unsure what it is I want to do - do I want to bother trying today? Mostly I force myself to get bits and bobs of work done just to keep enough income coming to get by. . .which is very little.
I have Nikki - most would recall her as Kassper. After the situation with Emil, I just stopped wanting to hold any grudges. Hating someone, even to just dislike someone, takes far too much of m energy. And what good does it do?. . .So when she went threw someone I know to drop me a message, including her number, I gave her a call. What do I find? Someone I should have had in my life a lot longer. We get along very well - perfectly really. We spent hours on the phone the first two days, and then I had her over. We spent days together between my place and hers. When we parted for only a day/night? We missed each other. I forgot how that was with friends.
Nikki will be staying with me most of the time, and for a good while as my mother is off in N.Y. again. She wants to move out of her apartment and get away from her boyfriend - but is not too thrilled with having to go home to her parents. Well, not true. She is just not thrilled to go back with her mother there. So it is easier on her to be here with me. Besides, I think she is keeping me sane by being here.
It's sad that I miss him, after all the wrong he did to me. Really, I miss the same 'him' I missed when I was with him though. The boy I had at the start of it all. . .God did I love him. I still do. I just wish he was able to be who I thought he could and would be. I thought we were right for each other. No real point to love though I guess.
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[June 17, 2009 @ 11:43am] |
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I have loved you since I was 14-years-old. Since the first time we spoke.
I gave pure trust to you - though you never did a thing to earn it.
I believed in you - seeing a better person inside then you were living life as.
Seeing a strong, perfect boy in that heart of yours you abuse so badly.
I would never see you as you are now as being 'it' or the best you would be.
And that is what everyone left in your life will do. Accept what is and not what could.
I wanted to be the one to save you from the man you were becoming. . .
But when people are fueling the bad it is hard to bring it to a stop.
If you were to tell me you planned to jump - I would not follow you, no.
I would be the wall to block it from happening - stopping you from the mistake.
If you were to trip up and begin a fall - I would be the arm to catch yours.
I would have been the one to pull you up to your feet and dust you off.
All of the horror and Hell you put me through, I still would be more for you. . .
When you swore to never hurt me, to never leave me. . .
I defended it. No matter what others said of you.
I would place your morale high - your love for me high.
That your vows to me were too strong to be broken. . .
That you were a man of your word and would live up.
And you turned around and lied. . .and lied. . .and lied.
You cheated on me! You were unloyal to the worst degree.
You abused my trust an my forgivness time and time again.
You came to bed beside me and it was like you never did me wrong.
And I was evil? I was cruel? I was the Devil here?
Who was it that could not look the other in the eyes?
I never wronged you! I never lied to you. I never was unloyal.
I never left for hours not telling you where I was or who with.
I did not make up fake reason to be late, or leave early.
And knowing you were treating me poorly. . .
I had nothing but open arms for you when you came home.
I still gave nothing but all my love to you even when your back was to me.
And. . .I kept believe you were better then all this. It would pass.
You would live up to the boy I thought you were and you made yourself out to be.
You would live up to the promises you made me and the things I wanted.
And you destroyed it all. . .everything I saw in you. You tore it down. . .
Every promise broken. Every vow turned on. Every dream dashed.
You would never live up to any of the things I knew were there.
And not because you can not - but because you will not.
You are so consumed, yet so incontent, with a deeper greed.
And you make yourself believe it is something greater. . .
You make yourself believe you are doing it for the good of others.
And all it is, is selfish.
How could you? How could you break my heart?
How could you replace me a night later?
Bring her into the place that was our home,
put her in my place in that bed?
How can you sleep easy at night. . .?
How can you turn over, find I am not there,
and be OK with it?
And are you happy that now I can not sleep at night?
That I toss and turn, and have only nightmares?
That I have to pop sleeping pills to get any rest?
That I no longer believe in love?
That I no longer believe in people?
Is it OK with you that I can't know what was truth,
or what was lies. If not to her, then to me.
Or if not to me then to yourself. . .
Or to all of us who knows!?
That I sit around all day confused.
Wondering why you won't love me how you told me you would.
Wondering why you treat me this way now for her?
Blocking me and deleting me from your life -
though no matter what you did to me I never had.
I was not bad. I was not a bad girlfriend. Not a bad person.
So I did not clean or cook wonderful -
that is no reason to put me through what I have been put through.
I gave everything else 100% if not more. . .
So why am I the one hurting?
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[May 12, 2008 @ 4:50pm] |
Whose footstep is this? Whose shadow is this? There was a knock at my heart; who entered here?
Who spread this vibrant color over me? My happiness killed me. . .It killed me. . .
Who spread this vibrant color over me? My happiness killed me. . .It killed me. . .God, it killed me. . .
The moon did not decorate my palm, nor did I contract any relationship with the stars. Nor did I make any complaint of God. . .
I hid every sorrow; with laughter I bore each injustice. I even embraced thorns, and was wounded by flowers.
Yes, but when I raised my hands in prayer, I begged God for you! God, I begged for you!
Who spread this vibrant color over me? My happiness killed me. . .It killed me. . .God, it killed me. . .killed me. . .
Whose footstep is this? Whose shadow is this? There was a knock at my heart; who entered here?
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[April 19, 2008 @ 3:32am] |
Him: Why stay with someone messed up?
Me: Because weather or not he is all that there in the head - he is who I love.
Me: And that doesn't change because he has a few messed up views.
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[April 14, 2008 @ 2:44pm] |
Starting - if for any reason you feel like you look like a 'horrible person' via the information in my posts? That is your own fault. Nothing I have ever written has been anything less then true events on your part. So if you are reading it, stop, and think: "Wow that makes me look really bad." - - - then maybe you need to stop acting how you act, and doing what you do. Unlike you, I have NEVER lied in this relationship. I have never lied at all to you, ever. Not since the first time I said 'Hello' to you on AIM. Yet you find it in you to lie to me daily - even over menial things, that make no sense for you to lie about at all. And what do you think it is for? Do you think the lie is better then the truth? That is would hurt less? Wrong. The very idea you can lie at ALL to me, is pitiful. Because I gave you trust that you obviously never have deserved from me. Since it seems, even before we were a couple - you have been lying left and right to me. [ And do not pull that: "IT SAYS ON MY PROFILE I AM A LIAR!!" crap. You with your OWN mouth swore to me you would NEVER do that to me. And I believe what I hear from you not what I read. And you always knew that. ]
You think I am in some fairytale? That I am not seeing a real world? I think you are looking at yourself in the mirror! Obviously only you see things how you see them. No one else. That means you are the odd man out, not me. Reality would call for you to be a man, and live up to your promises and vows. The hundreds you have spilled at my feet for the past year. You would see that you are DAMN lucky to have your job, your pet, your apartment, and a girlfriend who obviously is desperately in love with you - though you do NOT even deserve that of her, even. Let alone her willingness to let things go, and her ability to move on from it and try again the following day to be good to you. Reality would call for you to know that ONLY YOU can make you happy. No animal, no friend, no lover. You. Just you. And if you really have the time to blame others, you are not trying very hard to be happy. So don't be surprised when I find it funny or stupid that you would try to say that "I CAN'T KEEP YOU HAPPY".
I am ALWAYS asking you how you are. I ALWAYS beg you to tell me what is going on in your head. I ALWAYS ask you what you would like me to do to try and help you. I ALWAYS ask you to explain things a bit so I can TRY to understand where your mind is going. I ALWAYS try to comfort your hurt. . .I have never stopped being the same person you fell in love with. Not once, not for a minute.
I do NOT 'cry like a spoiled brat' when you are not loving. I cry like a girl watching her love turn into pain. I only ever speak up when it has been a whole week, two weeks, even a month of you acting like a dick. When I do not deserve that - from your own mouth many times, I never deserve that. It is not in any way, shape, or form SELFISH for me to want to be loved the same way you had loved me when we started to date. That person was a perfect creature. He had strength and confidence, he had a true happiness in him that you let die because you think you have to be some hard nasty 'tyrant'. Love is not a SELFISH thing because it yearns for love in return. That is the nature of the human condition. Love and be loved, we all hope for it.
I love you freely. Openly. Even when I have anger in me towards something, or someone, or even towards you - I never stop showing that I love you. Even when I want to just die, or at least kill you - I still overcome it with my love for you. Because no matter how angry you make me it does not stop my love. No matter how you try to make me hate you - because I know that a lot of the time you are hoping to run me off - I still love you, and still let that be what I go to bed with. The reality that I love no one else, no other thing on this planet, the way that I love you. The same way I loved you when you smiled for the first time before my eyes. The same way I loved you when you first shyly hugged me. The same way I loved you when you first managed the nerve to lay beside me. The same way I loved you, adored you, worshiped you when your lips finally touched mine. The same way I still loved you last night when I went to sleep, and the same way I still loved you when I woke up today.
You are proud? What a lie to top all lies. You yourself pull out the: "I have to lie to myself!" card. And what drama do you live that is not YOUR OWN? Jesus fucking Christ, ALL of it is yours! AGAIN - you have a wonderful dog, you have a fantastic job that thousands of people would kill to have, you have a great apartment filled with awesome things. You have money on hand to spend as you please. You have a best friend who is always there. You have the ability to write and sing and produce art. You have family who adores you, weather or not you hate them like you say you do or not. And then you have me. Someone who, again, adores you and only you - loves you and only you - would never hurt you like others have in the past. But YOU choose to see any little speck of bad in it, and pull out your friggen binoculars. You adjust your sight onto that speck and only that speck, and destroy all the good around it. When you KNOW there is no such thing as perfection. The world does not give perfection. It gives you what you need, and ONLY what you need in life to survive.
No one will ever know your anguish? Your 'constant emotional clash'? Well isn't that calling the black raven white? Because, it seems a lot like you have no ability to understand anyone else - either. And wow! Look at that. Part of reality that you seem to not be noticing.
And what do I NOT have? Obviously innocence still floods me because I have had faith in you and in love - though no one else did, and everyone warned me against this. I still took you in my arms, and comforted your needs. I have taken the one horrible thing in my past - the rape of my body - and lived on. I do not dwell, or cut myself up, or ask anyone to pity me. I do not let it control the fact that - I learned from that mistake. It has never happened again it never will. It did not stop me from learning to be happy, by my own hands no one else's. All on my own, happy. There is nothing wrong with being social and knowing a lot of people, or having more then one good friend. There is nothing wrong with dressing up like I do, and going to dance to music at some club. There is nothing wrong with me driving around Miami with Ary in her car, stopping at the mall and shopping a bit. Or stopping somewhere to grab a bite, and a little conversation, then go home. But that is what you are stopping me from.
And what the hell. . .Why? Does having that kind of control mean there is less chance I will hurt you? WITHOUT controlling me there is no chance I will do something to hurt you. WITHOUT controlling me we WOULD be happier. Because I would get out and let steam off a little, not wait all day for you and then LEECH off you like a parasite. You would get the privacy and space you want from me - and I would get the social relief I need. And then we would be home together in good moods more willing to love each other like we once did and like we should.
STOP trying to be a demon. STOP trying to hide the fact you are a human in love, who is having issues dealing with the hard parts of life. BE the wonderful person I know you to be. BE the great artist and lover I know you to be. BE the Godly, perfect creature you are meant to be. . .
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[April 13, 2008 @ 2:20am] |
Me: "I'm always all alone. . .He's all I have. And I don't even have him anymore."
Her: "You aren't alone. You have friends and family."
Me: "They could never fill the gap in my heart created by the love I have for him."
Her: "But he can't fill that gap either. . ."
Me: "He can. He used to. He did. . .He just won't anymore. I'm not worth that much time. . ."
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[April 09, 2008 @ 1:26am] |
A lil older. Strife [our Husky] is meant to be getting a bath. He is not easy to get in the bathroom. Emil tries to LURe him with his rival, the Feather Duster. . .
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[February 29, 2008 @ 8:57pm] |
Ego; The mistaken notion of "I", a separate self, from which all confusion and suffering arises.
Jealousy; Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival.
Everyone is telling you - that the cause of your suffering is in your jealous ego.
Only you see it otherwise. Only you deny that to be cause.
Family. Friends. People who barely know who you are.
They all say the same thing...
Even the love in your heart tells you to give both up.
There is no rival. There is only a you, and a me.
There is nothing alive or otherwise that could change that but us.
If anything is a rival to this relationship -
It is the jealous ego you cling to as 'who you are'.
There is true, pure, illimitable, unfathomable, incalculable love within me.
It has always been there, and it always will stay there. And only ever for you.
I give away myself. I give away my dreams. I give away my heart and soul.
But only for you, but only for us. Not for anything less or more then that.
True love will always forgive. But only when you allow it to.
I allowed it to let go of vindictiveness when you first put your arms around me.
That same love will release all memories of pain again, for you, if you ask it.
Look to my eyes and my tears, and know that they are only able to raise to you.
Place a hand to my chest - feel my heart, and know that it only lives for you.
Kiss my lips and sense the radiating zeal that can only come about from and for you.
See that, sense that, know that this soul will only ever belong to you - dead or alive.
The greatest of all love stories begin in tragedy.
But end with the most sublime, rapture filled lifetime for two.
Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves.
I give up on pride. I have no need for it in love.
I no longer will be the bearer, the creator of sorrow.
Let it go. Let it go as I have for you.
"You said I killed you - haunt me, then!
The murdered do haunt their murderers, I believe.
I know that ghosts have wandered on earth.
Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad!
Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you!"
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[February 01, 2008 @ 3:12pm] |
Bebe, I am so in love . . . with you . . . ♥
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sweet little words made for silence, not talk.
Young heart for love - not heartache.
Dark hair for catching the wind,
Not to veil the sight of a cold world...
Kiss while my lips are still red.
While she's still silent - rest while bosom is still untouched -
Unveiled, hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool!
Drown into eyes while they're still blind!
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn...
First day of love never comes back...
A passionate hour´s never are wasted wrong!
The violin, the poet´s hand -
Every thawing heart plays your theme with care...
Kiss while my lips are still red...
While she's still silent, rest while bosom is still untouched,
Unveiled, hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool!
Drown into eyes while they're still blind!
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn...
Kiss while my lips are still red...
While she's still silent, rest while bosom is still untouched,
Unveiled, hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool!
Drown into eyes while they're still blind!
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn...
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[June 20, 2007 @ 6:45pm] |
:: IMVU F.A.Q. - - -
Content last edited on 11/15/o7 @ 11:00am.
CTRL + F to keyword search this page.
Q. You are listed as a "Pro Developer". What exactly is the difference between you as a Pro Dev, and other Developers on IMVU?
A. First of all, see this link here. In my opinion, it is a gesture to your skill as a Developer on top of all the listed material. It is a privilege and a boost to your rank as an IMVU Developer. It should not be seen as a bragging right, nor should it be used against other non-Pro Developers. Just because you made Pro does not make you a better person then anyone else.
Q. You are a a really good Developer, what advice can you give me as a starting Dev?
A. I have a few things I like to inform people of, that are generally opinion based on my part. First of all - do not solid color fill your work, ever. Flat colors are cheap, and show no skill or drive in your work. Taking a few moments to add some shadowing and highlights, can really make all the difference in the world.
Next - never, never copy and paste real clothing images, or anything of that sort, into your work. It is not only cheap, it is somewhat a form of theft. You did not do the making of the item in real life nor did you do the photography - so how is that fair to those who did? Besides those points, it looks horrifically cheap on the IMVU Avatars.
Look around before you make or submit something. More so if you are modeling what you are making after a real life product you enjoy. It may look too much like another item, which could upset that Dev and other users. This can lead to conflict and drama that is just not a fun part of the IMVU lifestyle. Believe me that is a very poor way to start.
Q. Will you personally teach me to texture/create opacities/pose?
A. I wish I had the time to put into doing this for some people. I do enjoy spreading graphical tips and skills. However, I just can not even find the time in my days. And with so many people in need of the aid, or wanting of it, I feel it would be unfair to those I could not get to if I did somehow spend time on training.
Q. I purchased an item, but it is not appearing in my inventory! What is going on?
A. Ok first of all, hit the 'refresh' button on the upper right of your Inventory Tab. Close the client, open, refresh again. So this several times. Then open the tab where the item should be - it should appear. If not, try logging out of the client, and then signing back on. If you still are not receiving the item - wait 48 hours, and then eMail an IMVU Staff member.
Q. An item I purchased is not/no longer works. I want a refund!
A. The only reason an item will not work, or stops working, is it has been set to 'Mature Content'. This is something that is out of my hands, and though I often will contact IMVU to fight my Flagged Case, it usually is not something that will change. I do not set items I feel may be 'mature' to public catalog, ever. It usually is a retard that flags the item, and yes it is not fair. However, I will not refund in these cases. For more on my refund policy, see my profile.
Q. I added you to my friends! Why are you not adding me back?
A. First of all - I do not check my pending list as it is so large. Second, I will not add people I do not know and enjoy. This will not change for anyone, and is not meant to 'hurt your feelings'. For more information on why I would add you as a friend, see the 'About Me' section of my profile.
Q. Please, buy me _____________ [item title here]!
A. I really, really do not like beggars. First offense of this will just be deleted, but committing a second will get you banned from my profile permanently. My unwillingness to purchase something for you does not make me a greedy person, nor does it make me cruel. Thinking or saying such probably makes you a spoiled brat who does not deserve my time, either way.
Q. I really like your profile! May I use the code? Will you make me one?
A. First of all, thank you for liking it! Now - as to the first 'may I use the code?' HEAVENS NO! I spend time on my profile, I do not want a copy of it anywhere. I try my best to keep code theft away, that is why I have the right-click blocker. As for: 'will you create me one?' Again, good heavens NO! I don't have the time, nor do I enjoy the coding aspect of profiles on IMVU. For aid on doing your own, you may see this link.
Q. I can not copy your Banner Code!
A. This would be due to my right-click blocker. But, you can still easily copy the code. After you highlight it, just hold down CTRL + C. This will copy it, and you will now have access to use of the HTML.
Q. Do you take requests for new products?
A. No, I no longer will take item requests. This is partly due to my not have much free time, as well as being because I am very picky about what I like and want my name on. If for some reason I offer to take a requests, it is not for free. IMVU Developing is my job - as in it is my only income form. And my price can be a bit much for some, I am very sure.
Q. Will you recolor an item? Hair?
A. Sometimes I will re-color an item. Usually if it is asked of me enough, or is simple enough. As for hair - yes. I will always take hair color requests. It is rather simple and does not take much time. However you must be sure you will purchase what you request, or I may in the future reject you doing such again with me.
Q. I love the super enhanced skins you make! May I request one?
A. Please, join my Fan Group: The Rotting Lab, to place orders. Be sure to read ALL the rules.
Q. I love the stickers you make! May I request one?
A. As much as I would love to be able to knock out stickers for everyone who wants one - I can not. Again, I have very little free time. So please do not request stickers from me. As well, please note that I no longer will post stickers to my main 'Lollirot' account. You may now find them @ LollipopDecay.
Q. Why do you not support LillyButterfly?
A. Allow me to make a first note to people who will read this. As I am writing her username and my reasons off of IMVU and its forums, and within my own personal space, I am breaking no ToS rules. So don't bother threatening to report me, it would do nothing.
As to answering the question. LillyButterfly has been a Texture Thief of mine for some time. Not only did some of the first items she submitted have my belts, over another 70% of her catalog included my belt textures and hip chain textures. As well as having some items that had my dress textures, and my opacity maps.
She is an un-creative, bitchy little thief and I refuse to support her or give her a second chance. As well I do not enjoy being in contact to those who are overly friendly with her.
For proof of SOME of her theft:
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
Q. Is there any other persons I should watch out for?
A. Currently there is also the user RosalinaDepp. She also has thefted my belt textures and is using them on her items. Not only has she stolen from me and my material, but she has also stolen from the Dev Rae. We have yet to pinpoint other Devs she has thefted from, but are 95% sure there will be a number of others.
For proof of her theft on my part see:
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
As Of July 5'th: Now there is the user JUST2PERFECT. She left three hair items 'Derivable' that had my hair texture on them stretched. So, I got a lot of proof on her! Here we go,
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
As Of October 28'th: User 'mya2bootylicious2sw3' is added to the list. Who did she think she was going to fool?
+ Click Here
As Of Nov 10'th: The user 'Blusher' decided after stealing other peoples lips to add to her skins - she would give a shot at taking mine. Which, I spent hours on getting exactly right - so I think I would know my own work.
+ Click Here
+ Click Here
As Of Nov 15'th: The user 'NoOooB' took my semi-altered Lipgloss from my Lipgloss Tutorial - and used it on their skin. You can see the darker area of the top lip - where there used to be part of the word 'Sample' which he tried to cover. As well, I had removed the long strike of white shine on the bottom lip - there is only a bit of dodge there.
+ Click Here
Q. I wrote you a comment, why did you not reply?
A. There could be a few reasons. First off all, it may have been pushed out of my comments and then was missed by myself. Second, it may have been useless to reply. I can't reply to every praise users send me, though I would like to be able to. Third...well I might just be ignoring it. And sending a gift in the comment does not make me want to write back any more then I would have in the first place. So don;t try to bribe me.
Q. I heard you are a real bitch! What is up with that?
A. I will not even deny that. I am. I can be a very cruel, hateful, and negative person. Generally however I have to be PUSHED to it by a person. This can be done by say, threatening or attacking my friends - mooching and /or copycatting me or my material - talking to me as if you have the ability to win the fight - etc. Outside of pushing me to this 'Rot' side of my personality, I am a very caring, giving, and friendly person. Aka, 'Lolli'.
Q. I love a Limited Edition a friend has! Can you put it back up for sale?
A. Um, no? That sorta, kinda, a little bitty bit kills the whole point of 'Limited Edition'. Once my LE items reach whatever set number of sales it had - it is hidden and never returned to the Catalog. I don;t really care if you find it to be 'unfair'. Just watch for new LE items in the future.
Q. What Head do you wear!?
A. I wear Head4 from IMVU Inc. Now, it appears different for a reason. I wear the 'No Eyebrows' item, and then custom shaped brows from the wonderful Scarling. Usually her 'Perfect' ones.
Q. One of your items takes off one of my other items!
A. This is an issue I can not fix, and in all reality is not an 'issue'. A mesher places their item onto the node best suited for it. In turn, any item on that node or affected by that node - may be removed. Such as, some pants remove knee high/thigh high boots. Or how gloves, remove your nails. You just have to find other accessories and such in place, that you like too.
Q. I saw your Outfits Challenge Win Sticker! Which ones did you win, and what place did you come in?
A. "11/12/07 IMVU inc. - - - Congratulations! You have earned a prize in the 'Gothic Vampires' outfits challenge held on November 11, 2007. Your outfit was judged 24th best entry. You won a rare prize sticker!"
. . . . . . . . . . .
Comments made out-of-line will be reported and then deleted from this page.
Questions not pertaining to IMVU, or that are just stupid, will be ignored and/or deleted.
For copyright / trademark information on my 'work', please see my profile.
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[June 24, 2005 @ 5:02pm] |
♥. Do not add for the hell of it.
♥. Do not add for graphical/journal aid.
♥. Do not add if you do not update.
♥. Do not add if you post only Tests, etc.
♥. Comment when you add me.
f o r . t h o s e . a l r e a d y . a d d e d ?
d o . n o t . w o r r y .
n o t . c u t t i n g . a n y o n e .
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