Starting - if for any reason you feel like you look like a 'horrible person' via the information in my posts? That is your own fault. Nothing I have ever written has been anything less then true events on your part. So if you are reading it, stop, and think: "Wow that makes me look really bad." - - - then maybe you need to stop acting how you act, and doing what you do. Unlike you, I have NEVER lied in this relationship. I have never lied at all to you, ever. Not since the first time I said 'Hello' to you on AIM. Yet you find it in you to lie to me daily - even over menial things, that make no sense for you to lie about at all. And what do you think it is for? Do you think the lie is better then the truth? That is would hurt less? Wrong. The very idea you can lie at ALL to me, is pitiful. Because I gave you trust that you obviously never have deserved from me. Since it seems, even before we were a couple - you have been lying left and right to me. [ And do not pull that: "IT SAYS ON MY PROFILE I AM A LIAR!!" crap. You with your OWN mouth swore to me you would NEVER do that to me. And I believe what I hear from you not what I read. And you always knew that. ]
You think I am in some fairytale? That I am not seeing a real world? I think you are looking at yourself in the mirror! Obviously only you see things how you see them. No one else. That means you are the odd man out, not me. Reality would call for you to be a man, and live up to your promises and vows. The hundreds you have spilled at my feet for the past year. You would see that you are DAMN lucky to have your job, your pet, your apartment, and a girlfriend who obviously is desperately in love with you - though you do NOT even deserve that of her, even. Let alone her willingness to let things go, and her ability to move on from it and try again the following day to be good to you. Reality would call for you to know that ONLY YOU can make you happy. No animal, no friend, no lover. You. Just you. And if you really have the time to blame others, you are not trying very hard to be happy. So don't be surprised when I find it funny or stupid that you would try to say that "I CAN'T KEEP YOU HAPPY".
I am ALWAYS asking you how you are. I ALWAYS beg you to tell me what is going on in your head. I ALWAYS ask you what you would like me to do to try and help you. I ALWAYS ask you to explain things a bit so I can TRY to understand where your mind is going. I ALWAYS try to comfort your hurt. . .I have never stopped being the same person you fell in love with. Not once, not for a minute.
I do NOT 'cry like a spoiled brat' when you are not loving. I cry like a girl watching her love turn into pain. I only ever speak up when it has been a whole week, two weeks, even a month of you acting like a dick. When I do not deserve that - from your own mouth many times, I never deserve that. It is not in any way, shape, or form SELFISH for me to want to be loved the same way you had loved me when we started to date. That person was a perfect creature. He had strength and confidence, he had a true happiness in him that you let die because you think you have to be some hard nasty 'tyrant'. Love is not a SELFISH thing because it yearns for love in return. That is the nature of the human condition. Love and be loved, we all hope for it.
I love you freely. Openly. Even when I have anger in me towards something, or someone, or even towards you - I never stop showing that I love you. Even when I want to just die, or at least kill you - I still overcome it with my love for you. Because no matter how angry you make me it does not stop my love. No matter how you try to make me hate you - because I know that a lot of the time you are hoping to run me off - I still love you, and still let that be what I go to bed with. The reality that I love no one else, no other thing on this planet, the way that I love you. The same way I loved you when you smiled for the first time before my eyes. The same way I loved you when you first shyly hugged me. The same way I loved you when you first managed the nerve to lay beside me. The same way I loved you, adored you, worshiped you when your lips finally touched mine. The same way I still loved you last night when I went to sleep, and the same way I still loved you when I woke up today.
You are proud? What a lie to top all lies. You yourself pull out the: "I have to lie to myself!" card. And what drama do you live that is not YOUR OWN? Jesus fucking Christ, ALL of it is yours! AGAIN - you have a wonderful dog, you have a fantastic job that thousands of people would kill to have, you have a great apartment filled with awesome things. You have money on hand to spend as you please. You have a best friend who is always there. You have the ability to write and sing and produce art. You have family who adores you, weather or not you hate them like you say you do or not. And then you have me. Someone who, again, adores you and only you - loves you and only you - would never hurt you like others have in the past. But YOU choose to see any little speck of bad in it, and pull out your friggen binoculars. You adjust your sight onto that speck and only that speck, and destroy all the good around it. When you KNOW there is no such thing as perfection. The world does not give perfection. It gives you what you need, and ONLY what you need in life to survive.
No one will ever know your anguish? Your 'constant emotional clash'? Well isn't that calling the black raven white? Because, it seems a lot like you have no ability to understand anyone else - either. And wow! Look at that. Part of reality that you seem to not be noticing.
And what do I NOT have? Obviously innocence still floods me because I have had faith in you and in love - though no one else did, and everyone warned me against this. I still took you in my arms, and comforted your needs. I have taken the one horrible thing in my past - the rape of my body - and lived on. I do not dwell, or cut myself up, or ask anyone to pity me. I do not let it control the fact that - I learned from that mistake. It has never happened again it never will. It did not stop me from learning to be happy, by my own hands no one else's. All on my own, happy. There is nothing wrong with being social and knowing a lot of people, or having more then one good friend. There is nothing wrong with dressing up like I do, and going to dance to music at some club. There is nothing wrong with me driving around Miami with Ary in her car, stopping at the mall and shopping a bit. Or stopping somewhere to grab a bite, and a little conversation, then go home. But that is what you are stopping me from.
And what the hell. . .Why? Does having that kind of control mean there is less chance I will hurt you? WITHOUT controlling me there is no chance I will do something to hurt you. WITHOUT controlling me we WOULD be happier. Because I would get out and let steam off a little, not wait all day for you and then LEECH off you like a parasite. You would get the privacy and space you want from me - and I would get the social relief I need. And then we would be home together in good moods more willing to love each other like we once did and like we should.
STOP trying to be a demon. STOP trying to hide the fact you are a human in love, who is having issues dealing with the hard parts of life. BE the wonderful person I know you to be. BE the great artist and lover I know you to be. BE the Godly, perfect creature you are meant to be. . .