☆ ナオミ ☆ || l o l l i r o t ™ ([info]lollirotangel) wrote,
@ 2008-04-13 02:20:00
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Me: "I'm always all alone. . .He's all I have. And I don't even have him anymore."
Her: "You aren't alone. You have friends and family."
Me: "They could never fill the gap in my heart created by the love I have for him."
Her: "But he can't fill that gap either. . ."
Me: "He can. He used to. He did. . .He just won't anymore. I'm not worth that much time. . ."

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[info]llsuicidekingll
2008-04-13 07:03 am UTC (link)
Seriously wtf? I do not like these posts. Why dont you call up everyone in your address book to while your at it and tell them all how big of an unhappy asshole I am. Get EVERYONE involved in my business that way everyone can start playing anonymous and trying to fuck things up further by popping up with anonymous messages from hacked e-mails and messengers.

God fucking damnit. I am NEVER going to be honest with ANYONE EVER from now on. If this is the result then fuck it. I would rather bottle everything up and let the rest of the world figure out the hard way what I feel.

I am through with every fucking girl im with sending me on a god damn guilt trip just because I am not happy... what part of I am not happy implies I am not already a victim?! WHY is everyone else the victim?! YOU THINK I WANT TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE MISERABLE AND UNHAPPY WITH ME!?!?!

I have NOTHING in this god damn fucking world, and now I don't even have my fucking peace of mind. thanks.

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[info]llsuicidekingll
2008-04-13 07:08 am UTC (link)
and another thing.

I AM FUCKING HUMAN. I have feelings to, but everyone else is so bent and self centered on theyre own damn feelings. Instead of "oh how can I help, what can I do, I dont know why your so down but maybe I can try to understand".. NO, the first thing I get is "do you enjoy hurting me?"

WHAT THE FUCK.

I FUCKING HATE LOVE, IT MAKES PEOPLE THE MOST SELFISH SELF CENTERED GREEN EYED MONSTERS WHO DONT EVEN REALISE HOW INSENSITIVE THEY ARE BEING BY BEING SENSITIVE.. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?!

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[info]lollirotangel
2008-04-14 12:52 am UTC (link)
First of all. I have ALWAYS asked you 'What can I do? - What is wrong? - Help me understand?'. Time and time again I beg you to tell me! Don't TELL me I do not I have hours of messages between us at home, saved in my Emil Folder with all the things I have made for you over the years to TRY and make you feel a little better. . .where I ask you from start and at finish. . .

A victim is a person who has been harmed and/or had something taken from them. You gave me your love, your heart, and you. . .and then, for reasons beyond me because I never did anything wrong to you - you said it yourself - because I loved you truly and purely. . .you took it all away from me. My heart is nearly shattered, I hold it together by remembering that you sometimes do love me. . .I am hurt; I am harmed by you. . .That means yes, I can be seen as a victim. How could you? I love you. And I always let you know that, I always show that. I treat you like I worship you - and in some ways I do. I love you that much. I will always put aside my physical pains and ailments to get up and do as you need me to do. . .To do more dishes and cook you meals as best I can without having anything to really use and cook with. Knowing you will not say thank you ever, will not even smile at me or look at me with the meal.

You can not truly tel me I am insensitive. Even after spending hours crying alone at home while you are working late without any message to let me know. . .I get up and smile for you, when you get home. I open my arms willing to hug you and hold you. I offer you food even if all I want to do is lay in bed and die. . .Then I set the food before you, and no longer even ask you to come eat with me. I go back into the bedroom and sit alone for hours more until you want to come to bed. And then I still try to please you. . .Insensitive? No, that is not me. I still get up every morning and nuzzle your skin, and kiss your face/head. I still offer to make you food or buy you food or other things you would like to have. And then I go into the bedroom and sit alone. . .hours on hours waiting for you, again. And if I get the balls to ask you to come spend time with me? You get angry at me for wanting to be with you. . .

How do I look to all the people who read YOUR blog? When you talk about only enjoying your money and your music, and that going out with Lestre - not me - makes you happy. Like I keep you from going out when you want? Though I can't go out without upsetting you! I won't even talk to my friends on the phone anymore if you are home because it UPSETS you. . .Even though I am home early if I go out, while you tell me you will come home around 2-3 but show up after 5?

I get up and I clean up the apartment as best I can without having the means to put half of my things away. . .I wash the dishes and counters. I get on my hands and knees and scrub the floor THEN mop it. I wash the walls and the fridge where the dog lays against them. I try to wash the carpets where Strife sleeps, and try to wash the couch. I make our bed and light candles or inscents to make the room a little nicer. I don't know why. . .you don't come home, change, and lay with me holding me anymore. You don't watch TV or Movies with me anymore. . .

I don't know why I bother. . .Well, I do. Because I still love you the way I did the first time I saw you that night at the show.

Emi I love you. I adore you. But sometimes you are a really horrible person. . .and I never knew you to be anything but wonderful until these last few months. . .People used to be jealous of us. How happy we were. . .How pretty we were together, out at clubs and events smiling our mouths off. Always having reasons to touch each other, to hold each other. Going to the movies and cuddling up, snuggling up. Getting food and sitting in bed in our PJ's, watching junk TV and Movies. Tickling each other and wrestling until you had me pinned. And then you would smile and look at me, and kiss my face. . .If I was scared or worried at night, you would hold me close. Nuzzle into my throat and smile to have me there. . .

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[info]lollirotangel
2008-04-14 12:52 am UTC (link)
I don't know why that went away. I didn't stop being me. . .I still haven't, or try not to as much as you have changed me. You swore you loved me. . .but then you wanted me to be different. . .

I don't know anymore Emi. What do I do? What do I say? I am so in love. . .but I don't think you are with me, anymore. . .

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[info]llsuicidekingll
2008-04-14 06:47 am UTC (link)
Oh come the fuck off it. ALL of THAT emotional emo crap makes me so sick to my stomach it makes me want to vomit. I HATE IT.

LOVE IS A PIECE OF SHIT. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT IT. ALL IT GIVES ME IS A FUCKING HEADACHE AND THATS ALL IT HAS OR EVER WILL GIVE ME. LOVE IS SELFISH AND SELF CENTERED AND DOES NOTHING BUT OBLIGATE PEOPLE TO DO THINGS. LOVE IS A FUCKING DICTATOR OF EMOTIONS AND IF YOU DONT EXPRESS LOVE 24/7 YOUR SHOT ON SITE, THATS WHAT LOVE IS.

I had to skim through that whole fucking essay of crap because it made my stomach churn. I am sick of being sweet or nice when if I stop for one second im a "horrible person" because im taking away the love you had and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah crap crap I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I said it to you a long time ago before and I'll say it again, THIS IS THE REAL FUCKING WORLD NOBODY IS HAPPY AND YOUR STUCK IN SOME STUPID FAIRYTALE REALITY THAT DOESN'T EXIST.

Like I said, I am not going to have my god damn happy ending so stop thinking you'll ever get yours. You were raped and that ruined EVERYTHING for you so far as I have anything at all to do with it, and you did nothing at all but just cry about it.

I WILL NOT SUFFER FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKES IN LIFE.

I am miserable enough as it is and you can cry all the damn hell you want. I don't give a fuck if anyone crys. Crying is what spoiled people do when life doesn't go they're way, I deal with enough fucking spoiled people at work I dont need it at home too. So cry all you want it is not going to change a damn thing. I am miserable, I am always going to be miserable I am never going to be happy, and I will die miserable. If you don't like that and you don't want to be around that, then go home. Nobody is forcing you to stay.

I was going to try something else to see if I could be happy with what I could have but you told me not to and to stay with you and I did but I told you that YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO KEEP ME HAPPY and YOU WERE OK WITH THAT. SO STOP ACTING LIKE A LITTLE WHINY BRAT NOW THAT YOUR FINALLY STARTING TO REALIZE THAT YOU CAN NOT KEEP OR MAKE ME HAPPY AS YOU ARE ALONE.

I HAVE NOTHING IN THIS GOD DAMN LIFE AND I DON'T NEED TO HAVE THE PROBLEM OF MY GF GOING BEHIND ME ON HER STUPID JOURNALS AND BLOG SAYING POOR ME POOR ME MY BF IS A HORRIBLE PERSON!!

FUCKING CHRIST.

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[info]beccy13
2009-02-01 10:20 am UTC (link)
*hugs*

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