My days feel foreign. I'm usually drained - either from not sleeping due to my insomnia, or from the medication I might take to force myself to sleep. I wake up and I am unsure what it is I want to do - do I want to bother trying today? Mostly I force myself to get bits and bobs of work done just to keep enough income coming to get by. . .which is very little.

I have Nikki - most would recall her as Kassper. After the situation with Emil, I just stopped wanting to hold any grudges. Hating someone, even to just dislike someone, takes far too much of m energy. And what good does it do?. . .So when she went threw someone I know to drop me a message, including her number, I gave her a call. What do I find? Someone I should have had in my life a lot longer. We get along very well - perfectly really. We spent hours on the phone the first two days, and then I had her over. We spent days together between my place and hers. When we parted for only a day/night? We missed each other. I forgot how that was with friends.

Nikki will be staying with me most of the time, and for a good while as my mother is off in N.Y. again. She wants to move out of her apartment and get away from her boyfriend - but is not too thrilled with having to go home to her parents. Well, not true. She is just not thrilled to go back with her mother there. So it is easier on her to be here with me. Besides, I think she is keeping me sane by being here.

It's sad that I miss him, after all the wrong he did to me. Really, I miss the same 'him' I missed when I was with him though. The boy I had at the start of it all. . .God did I love him. I still do. I just wish he was able to be who I thought he could and would be. I thought we were right for each other. No real point to love though I guess.